My father was a Marine Corps Drill Instructor.
Many mornings, he would burst into our bedroom with thunderous commands of "Revely! Revely!"
My brother and I, startled and disheveled, would bound from our bunk bed and stand at attention.
All I can remember is the trembling fear of the deep and unfamiliar register of my dad's booming voice.
Those instances imprinted on my brain, and to this day, being yelled at brings me right back to my seven-year-old self.
A little boy full of resentment and rebellion.
This is why I don't respond well to negative reinforcement.
For instance, a coach's loud voice telling me to run faster or a fitness trainer yelling, "ONE MORE REP!"
I will shut down physically and mentally the instant someone tries to motivate me in this way.
I believe many gay men are the same. We've been bullied, marginalized, and stigmatized so much that any negative forms of incentive backfire.
No wonder that studies show the most effective form of chemsex recovery comes in the form of positive reinforcement.
Gay men do not respond well to fear and shame-based tactics.
Enter: the 12-Step Philosophy.
Among all the negative reinforcement offered today in the 12-step rooms, the one doing the most damage is the idea of "Character Defects."
Think about this term Defect:
Defective.
Rejected.
Different.
Wrong.
Damaged.
What happens to a defective product? It's trashed.
Wow.
No wonder we 'keep coming back' because if that's the message we are given, then how will we ever love ourselves?
How will we ever be set free from the shame of our addictive past?
If you've spent time in 12-step rooms, you've likely been told that you need to identify, admit to, and have these "defects" removed.
While this approach has helped some people, it can reinforce shame and self-judgment that hinder our healing.
Let's look at why this concept might be doing more harm than good:
